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 Ass, the inexhaustible source of inspiration |
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芦笛
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加入时间: 2004/02/14
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作者：芦笛 在 罕见奇谈 发贴, 来自 http://www.hjclub.org
Ass, the inexhaustible source of inspiration
芦笛
This looks like Plus Slave favorite topic. But what I am going to talk about is not the backside, but the donkey, ie, myself. As a matter of fact, I got this inspiration from one of Plus Slave's pieces, in which he asks: "Why does Lao Lu suffer from female-phobia?" Then he answers: "I don't know. He is such an ass? Up until now, I still cannot figure out the meaning of the word "ass" he used there. Does it mean his favorite part of the body, or the animal donkey? Only God and he know the answer. It is quite likely that in his eyes, a donkey (or any animal for that matter) is merely a walking symbol of a girl's backside. Indeed, in another piece, he describes vividly how desperately he tried to make love to a donkey rather than to a beautiful girl:))
Enough garbage. Allow me to start the subject. Yesterday a friend of mine again forwarded a poster to me, which was Lao Ma's "ultimatum". I immediately knew that he was in deep trouble again. Apparently, he is running out of ideas and cannot write anything more, because the ass, his source of inspiration, has left.
Many people do not understand Lao Ma's attitude towards me. Some believe he is a masochist who enjoys being whipped by me every now and then. Others think he is trying to tease and annoy me. They are all wrong. The answer is much simpler: he relies on me for his writing as a crippled man relies on his crutches.
As we all know, the greatest theories that the Chinese scholars have ever contributed to the global civilization are the two universal laws established by Chairman Hu -Prof Fang and by Mr Ma Beiming, respectively. The first law rules: "Hypocrisy is also a virtue." The second says: "Raping is also making love." It is a great shame that I had nothing to do with the establishment of the first great law, but I can say proudly that it is I who inspired Ma to make the second great discovery.
Ma's famous law was based on deduction using the so-called "san duan lun" (I am sorry I do not know the corresponding English word, as I have never read an English logic textbook). However, he had never heard of this kind of reasoning until he read my article "On Ma Beiming Phenomenon". For the first time of all his life, he learnt that there was such a wonderful and astonishing way of thinking and was tremendously impressed and fascinated. So much so that he decided to seize the first opportunity to fill my shoes and show off his smartness. After long and careful preparation, he solemnly put forth the notorious "rape due to love" theory. At the end of the article, he declared to the whole world that his conclusion was "water-tight" (dian shui bu lou), and dared the opponents in ultimate defiance: "Whoever can refute my theory?"
Very unfortunately for Ma, his great theory was torn into pieces by the ass, the original source of his inspiration. I still remember that I quoted Lu Xun in our debate, telling him that "a stolen fist can never be used to beat the owner" (tou lai de quantou da bu si benren. God, it's just impossible to translate this kind of expression). Despite this, he took quite a few free lessons from me. I must say that my teaching is not totally in vain, as anyone can see how much he has improved his way of reasoning in his later writings. In every sense, I am not only the source of his inspiration, the fountain of his knowledge, but also the beneficial (though sometimes a bit too strict or even rude) and influential tutor and supervisor of his. If he is the ghost -writer behind He Wen, then I play a similar role with him. More than that, I am actually his backbone. Without me in his sight for a split second, he would immediately turn into a piece of jelly, softer than a 50-year-old lady's ass.
Some readers may argue that I exaggerate too much. Not really. If you do not believe me, go read Ma's latest pieces. In them, you will find him boast repeatedly abut his "post-Renaissance way of thinking" whilst mocking everyone on their so-called "pre-Renaissance way of thinking".
A careful reader may notice that Ma had never used this phrase before Lao Zheng came to this BBS. After that, all of sudden, he became the reincarnation of Leonardo da Vinci. Why? The answer is dead simple. Once again, I inspired him.
In "China Needs the 'Pain in the Bottom'", I pointed out that ever since the Renaissance, adhering to the truths rather than to virtues has become the tradition of the Western civilization, whilst we have never had this excellent tradition, upholding the "virtues" instead. I then went on by saying that being a pain in everyone's ass, Ma might help us develop the capacity of tolerance which may gradually grow into a benign habit or even an excellent tradition.
Obviously, this explains Ma's sudden love for his newly-found phrase. Had I not written that article, Ma would still have been groping in the dark ages, rather than playing da Vinci. It is I who has made him the reincarnation of da Vinci ( or more precisely, the imposter of da Vinci).
So it is true that Ma cannot do without me. Last time I asked Old Wolf to block my name so that I would not be able to post up any posters. Ma proposed the same request--- from the depth of his heart, he knew that once I quit, he would soon run out of ideas. He desperately needs me to be here to inspire him. For that gain, being whipped by me from time to time would still be worthwhile.
I fully understand and sympathize with Lao Ma's dilemma. Nonetheless, as I told everyone, the telephone line connecting my home computer and the web has been cut off. Besides, "rice bowl" has become an acute problem for me. So Lao Ma, I regret to tell you that I cannot help you walk anymore. You are an adult now. Try to walk independently. I am sure you will be fine without me. After all, you are the reincarnation of da Vinci. Who can imagine da Vinci needs an ass for the source of his inspiration? That is Plus Slave's addiction, not yours.
作者：芦笛 在 罕见奇谈 发贴, 来自 http://www.hjclub.org |
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